What da Fu-! Things we didn't see in Mass Effect but should've
by shottymario
Summary: As the title points out, this is a collection of scenes re-worked to add back in LOGIC and remove Logic FIAL's that were there in our beloved series. Yes, beyond the God-child, FAR beyond the glitter boy there were SERIOUS flaws in the game logic, and I'm not just talking about replacing unlimited firepower with thermal clips. Read on and enjoy the FIAL!
1. The Thorian

Things we didn't see in Mass Effect, the series, but should have (or stuff that needed to be fixed)

The Thorian -

Shepard held her shotgun firmly, not too tight, not too trigger happy, Ashley had that covered enough for the whole team. Solid soldier, but her family history and her own personal run-in with about every sleazy alien criminal in the galaxy had burned her so bad on trust that Ashley would rather conduct diplomatic relations with a couple of holes blown in her alien counterpart. Shepard felt bad for her, pity, for how the woman had been treated. Reminded her of when daddy Shepard had taken her to a local dog kennel. All the dogs barked happily except one, he had been abused, was missing chunks of fur and had scar tissue underneath. That dog barked in warning, it intended to bite her. It wanted to bite everyone. She had insisted that was the one she wanted, the one that didn't deserve to be in jail. It had taken all summer but the poor wretch learned to trust, at least a little. Good food had helped. Still, at any sudden movement he would jump to his feet, bare his teeth and pull back until he knew he was safe. Poor Ashley.

"What are you?"

"We speak for the Old Growth-"

"You mean you're a Thorian? Or you ARE the Thorian?"

"We are what you aliens call the Thorian."

"Shepard-" Ashley was insistent on blasting the green Asari back into whatever protoplasmic paste she had started as.

"Hold your fire, Chief."

"We will show you no mercy. You will pay for the sins of the other."

"SHEPARD."

"HOLD your fire, Ashley."

Shepard checked her Paragon/Renegade points and smiled darkly, hooking her shotgun behind her back. "All right then, THORIAN, you want to make someone pay for your pain? That sounds like a perfect solution to me."

Shepard motioned the Asari-Thorian closer. It stepped forward with a vengeance in its eyes and Shepard shocked it and the Thorian behind it by handing the Asari-clone her deactivated shotgun, then her rifle, then her sniper rifle, then her pistol and anything else she was carrying. Ashley went apeshit.

"Commander, what are you DOING?"

"At ease, Williams, don't shoot unless you see the green of her eyes. And call Joker, tell him to send down a medic and some guards."

Shepard continued, this time powering down and popping off the locks on her armor. "Liara, help me out with this."

Liara blushed as Shepard stood there in a body weave that clung tightly, showing off not just woman's curves but soldier's muscle. Shepard smirked at the Asari-clone, not even noticing Liara, which Liara was desperately thankful for.

"All right then, THORIAN. You learned our language, you learned everything from the Asari. But she was with the enemy, and obviously insane, that means you DON'T know the truth and you are not willing to trust me because Saren was willing to sacrifice his subordinate and leave you. Well guess what, OLD GROWTH? That ain't the way Daddy Shepard's girl does business! You're going to take ME-"

"COMMANDER! NO WAY IN HELL!"

Shepard roared. "STAND DOWN, WILLIAMS, or I'll have Liara stasis bubble your ass!"

"Commander, I am against this plan as well! It's too dangerous, you could be hurt!" Liara...her heart was going a thousand miles an hour.

The Thorian-Asari looked at her, still holding the weapons, Creepers surrounding the group. "As I said, LITTLE TWIG, You're going to take ME, you'll learn the truth from ME, a willing test subject, I don't abandon my people, and you'll know what that means, too! What all of it means: Honor, Duty, Sacrifice. Now,"

Shepard leaned in with fists clenched and glared down on the Green skin. "Let's DO THIS."

72 hours later...

Sovereign was destroyed as a fleet of warships hunted him down and Saren was bent over a table with his pants down around his ankles, an army of Shepard-Thorians all around with paddles, green branches, and belts.

"Whose your daddy, bitch?! Whose the savior of the universe?! Whose the best Spectre ever?!"

Ashley and Liara looked from Saren's naked ass to the plant-humans to Shepard who swallowed uncomfortably. "That's...the uh...Thorian in them."

Garrus and Wrex both laughed. "Sure it is, Shepard."


	2. Virmire

Virmire -

"Look Wrex, we'll get the Genophage cure but we can't just GIVE it to all Krogan! I'm not the person to MAKE that decision! You said it yourself, I'm not Krogan, I don't know what it's like! Human's are brand new to the galaxy, we can't just throw away 1,500 years of history because you don't like it, we don't know anything ABOUT that fight!"

"That's not GOOD ENOUGH!"

"It damn well HAS to be! I'm not going to cure the genophage for your people Wrex, I'm not here to do that, I'm here to stop Saren from WIPING you're people OUT! You think he wants to HELP your people? Didn't you say Garrus was the first Turian you met that didn't want to kill you? What do you think SAREN wants to do? He hates humans and he doesn't even know us, you think he loves Krogan MORE? What do you think he's going to DO with your race, Wrex? What would you do with an enemy that was dying out? Would YOU help them? Will SAREN help the Krogan?"

Wrex threw his gun down and roared with nigh-on a thousand years of rage. He stood there, shaking, his anger not overcoming his reason, his pain not strong enough to overcome his own mission. Ashley nearly shot him down right there but she didn't, and she later, when she didn't have to make a shoot-first decision, she reflected on the scene and she felt very bad for Wrex.

"I want his head, Shepard, I WANT it as a TROPHY."

"If we find the cure Wrex, we'll take it with us, I promise, but we take it back to the Council."

"They wont help my people Shepard, they'll destroy it!"

Shepard leaned up against him, comfortingly, and whispered in his ear, the Salarians were familiar with female reassurance from years of watching the Asari at work, they never assumed Shepard was flexing her renegade power.

"What can be made once, can be made TWICE, Wrex. Now,

Shepard smiled dangerously. "let's go get that trophy."

Wrex sneered with blood fairly dripping from his teeth, his eyes not seeing her anymore...only seeing Saren and … the cure.

"Ashley knows weapons, LT, she'll guard the bomb, the Salarians don't have a biotic, and you know we have to shut down those AA guns or the Normandy can't get ANYONE out of here, you're dependable. Both of you are."

Shepard was hardly away from the bomb when Ashley's frantic voice came over the radio. "Commander! There's a Geth transport here! They are dropping geth-LOOK OUT! Oh GOD, NO! Not again! The Geth are KILLING my squad!"

Ashley...it was Eden Prime all over again for her, Shepard realized. Wrex was already running back for the bomb.

"Go ON, Shepard! I'll cover the bomb, we HAVE to blow this place to hell!"

Kaidan begged her to go back for Ashley. "Shepard, GO! Don't come for us, we're pinned down by Geth! Just go! Get to the bomb and get out of here! The bomb is the only thing that matters!"

"I can't believe I'm going to save a KROGAN with a cure for the Genophage! Damnit, What's wrong with me! I'm on it, Shepard, go get Kaidan!" Garrus scrambled after Wrex as fast as he could.

"I'm sorry Kaidan I had to make a choic-waitaminute! you're pinned down by Geth. Where did the Geth come from? They didn't just swim up out of the ocean."

"Uh...a troop transport is dropping them off."

"The Geth are being dropped from an aerial transport?"

"Yeah!"

"And you're a technological hacker with a group of the smartest techno-savvy aliens in the galaxy?"

"Shepard, I don't have time for this, I have to get to my long, heroic goodbye-"

"Turn the fucking AA gun back on, you KNOB, hack it and shoot the Geth with it!"

"...Oh. Oh yeah, gimme a second."

72 hours later...

Wrex wiped his ass with Saren's hand and Ashley choked from the smell, even from behind a curtain, Wrex defiling his new "Trophy" porta-potty was nasty. Garrus tried to maintain decorum, but part of him was envious of Wrex, he hated Saren's sell-out politics and traitorous murders with every fiber of his duty-driven being. Kaiden and Shepard motioned Ashley away from the smell and towards the elevator up.

"Well, galaxy saved, Genophage cure will be in the hands of the Council in just a half hour, I'd say this was a job well done."

Kaidan smiled one of his half-embarrassed smiles, he was so...farmboy when he did that. "Yeah, Thanks for the advice on the AA gun, Commander, not only did we successfully fight off the Geth at my location with your help, but when that troop transport went to kill Ashley at the bombsite..."

"The bombsite's AA guns turned it into the best fireworks show I've ever seen." Ashley grinned.

"And no one died but unamed NPC's. Good thing I thought of the AA guns, huh?"

"No argument here, Commander." Kaidan said with relief.

Ashley threw her arms around Shepard. "Screw regs! Thank you, Shepard! Thank you for everything! For saving my squad! For everything..."

Shepard gave her a hug and a pat on the back while Kaidan uncomfortably cleared his throat. "We seem to, uh, have some weird conversations in elevators...maybe we shouldn't talk about stuff in here anymore."

"Roger that, LT." Shepard smirked.


	3. Letting the Council die

Letting the Council die -

"Are you kidding me? We're not going to throw away our only chance at stopping Sovereign and saving the galaxy to rescue three politicians! You're SUPPOSED to be serving the PEOPLE, you self-absorbed bastards! Not covering your own ASSES with the blood of THOUSANDS of soldiers! What the fuck is WRONG with you!"

"Shepard!" the Asari Councilor gasped in shock.

"You will rue this day, the Salarian people will not forget this, human!" the Salarian councilor ranted.

Two gun shots were heard as well as several screams from the Asari crewwomen of the Destiny Ascension. "Commander Shepard, this is the Turian Councilor. I thank you for reminding me of our duties. As a soldier first, I was trained to put my life on the line so that others might live, not force others to sacrifice for me. If I had listened to you, given even a half-hearted attempt to investigate the many things you said, the people of the Citadel would not be fighting for their lives. I thank you for reminding me of my duty, and of my guilt. The sentence for being a traitor to the Galactic Government in times of war is death, and I need only one shot more to finish the executions. Goodbye, Commander, and thank you, again."

Another gun shot rang out, though it was unnecessary, Soverign blasted the entire Destiny Ascension to hell a moment later. Then his shields dropped and Joker with the rest of the 5th fleet blew the Reaper back to hell. The Salarian Dalatrass wanted to whine about the death of her councilor but Kirrahe, the legendary leader of Salaran STG who defeated Saren's armada at Viremire with only a handful of men (and a little help from Shepard) openly opposed the Dalatrass, calling the cowardly actions of the Council a disgrace and blatant disrespect of the thousands who had given their lives fighting, not for the Council, but for Galactic freedom. The Dalatrass got exiled as the Salarian people backed up their new leader, Kirrahe.

The Turians quickly formed up behind their Primarch who was disgusted with the Council's cowardice, he openly thanked Shepard for reminding his people's representative of his duty and not only pledged his support for the new galactic council, but agreed to warm the chair until a new Turian Councilor could be appointed.

The Asari, at first greatly offended, got a collective boot up their asses when a Justicar named Samara read them the riot act from the Citadel podium. So ashamed they turned from blue to red, a permanent color change and THAT was how the Galactic Council came to be the second greatest power in the galaxy, with Shepard being elected Galactic King o'er All (official title). Then, with Ashley in one arm, and Liara in the the other, King Shepard walked from the Galactic Council chambers to the Presiduim where his first public declaration was to put fish in the lake, Wrex's suggestion. His second official act was to turn to his sugar-and-spice girls and smile devilishly.

"Hail to the king, babies."

"Oh Shepard!"

"oooh, Shepard..."


	4. The Beginning of Mass Effect 2

"By the goddess! Shepard!" Liara screamed, watching Shepard's body spiraling through the vacuum.

Kaidan, next to her, was horrified. "Shepard! No!"

Ashley wept bitterly. "There's nothing we can do! We can't reach him!"

"Wait a minute, Shepard's a biotic! Shepard, can you hear me on your suit's radio that your suit has, the one that can communicate with starships in orbit while I'm only a quarter mile away from you?" Liara called.

"Yeah, Liara, hey, I have this really great death monologue-"

"Use you're biotics, you pompous ass, and get over here!"

"Oh? Oh shit, yeah, uh, two seconds."

" By the goddess! Shepard!" Liara screamed, watching Shepard's body spiraling through the vacuum.

Kaidan, next to her, was horrified. "Shepard! No!"

If Ashley would've survived Virmire she probably would've wept bitterly.

"Wait a minute! Shepard, can you hear me on your suit's radio that your suit has, the one that can communicate with starships in orbit while I'm only a quarter mile away from you?" Liara called.

"Yeah, Liara, hey, I have this really great death monologue-"

Turning to Kaidan and giving him a punch in the shoulder Liara shouted. "Use you're biotics, you emotional wreck and get my beloved Commander over here!"

"Oh? Oh shit, yeah, uh, two seconds." Kaidan smiled one of his half-embarrassed grins.

"By the goddess! Shepard!" Liara screamed, watching Shepard's body spiraling through the vacuum.

If only Kaidan had survived Virmire he might have been horrified by the sight.

Ashley wept bitterly. "There's nothing we can do! We can't reach him!"

"Wait a minute! Shepard, can you hear me on your suit's radio that your suit has, the one that can communicate with starships in orbit while I'm only a quarter mile away from you?" Liara called.

"Yeah, Liara, hey, I have this really great death monologue-"

"I'm a biotic, you pompous ass! Get over here!" Liara snarled, blue-white energy encircling her and Shepard and Liara pulled him to the rescue pod.

"Oh? Oh shit, yeah, uh, two seconds."

Shepard bumped into the pod door, grabbing the safety handles. "Well, I'm here, but my suit's still bleeding atmosphere, this will make my monologue a much more touching moment though."

The door opened with Liara's biotic barrier holding in the air pressure while keeping space out. Shepard passed through and into her waiting arms, the door closing behind him. "Well...this works, too. Damn glad I kept you on the Normandy instead of having a civilian, alien, barely legal young woman who is still grieving over the loss of her mother sent back to live with the rest of her extended family on her homeworld."

"That doesn't even make sense Shepard, why would I leave the Normandy?"


	5. Waking up in Cerberus control and

"Hey Shepard, I'm Jacob Taylor, I handle security at this Cerberus run facility, you know, the Cerberus that abandoned the Alliance, turning their backs on your military force, the one you're a proud member of, no matter if you're a paragon or renegade. I used to be just like you, y'know? Joined up, but then, decided after you died to join Cerberus because the Alliance tried to deny that Sovereign was an ancient alien super machine bent on galactic genocide, so here I am, making sure you're safe and keeping all threats away from Project Lazarus."

Shepard eyed him, her blue eyes radiant and angelic as the hundreds of rounds from the mechanical death army of doom fired at them, over their cover, ricocheting off walls and making the station a mess as holes were being punched in the station itself, emptying atmo into space.

"You're doing a terrible job, traitor." she said, pitching Jacob's ass over the railing and down into a strangely placed chasm for a space station. Very Return-of-the-Jedi chasm placement-y.

"Hey Shepard, I'm Jacob Taylor, I handle security at this Cerberus run facility, you know, the Cerberus that abandoned the Alliance, turning their backs on your military force, the one you're a proud member of, no matter if you're a paragon or renegade. I used to be just like you, y'know? Joined up, but then, decided after you died to join Cerberus because the Alliance tried to deny that Sovereign was an ancient alien super machine bent on galactic genocide, so here I am, making sure you're safe and keeping all threats away from Project Lazarus."

Shepard eyed him, his red eyes glaring and fiery as the hundreds of rounds from mechanical death army of doom fired at them, over their cover, ricocheting off walls and making the station a mess as holes were being punched in the station itself, emptying atmo into space.

"You're doing a shit job, traitor." he said, pitching Jacob's ass over the railing and down into a strangely placed chasm for a space station. Very Return-of-the-Jedi chasm placement-y.

"Hello Shepard, I'm Miranda Lawson, I'm the one responsible for bringing you back to life. I also have a genetically perfect body with the exception of being unable to conceive children thereby making my clone-father's desires for a legacy and dynasty that would surpass all time a completely unachievable goal, not to mention, rather stupid. My tits are not plastic, though they are incredibly large, my ass is amazing, and despite my body's lithe waistline, I never have any problems standing erect because these skin tight beaver-cleaving bodysuits reinforce my spine. That's why I wear these instead of actual armor in a firefight. Never mind that I just killed someone in front of you in cold blood, care to join me for a long ride in a shuttlecraft which we've already implied couldn't do much more than sputter around space at low-low-low speeds, otherwise the escape pods you saw in act 1 would've been able to actually propel themselves in space and pick you up, thereby making this entire scene unnecessary?"

Shepard looked her body over, and it was gorgeous, those lips, that hair, and her nipples clearly allowed to take point in the cold chill of the shuttlebay. "You're with Cerberus?"

"Yes, Shepard."

"And you're a clone?"

"Yes?"

"Cerberus is cloning perfect women as operatives?"

"No, Shepard, my father, Henry Lawson is cloning perfect women, I joined Cerberus to escape him."

"So you're father, Henry Lawson, is keeping a bunch of perfect women in slavery?"

"Yes."

Shepard shot Miranda in the face and heart until the gun went click, then kicked her corpse off the gangplank and boarded the shuttle. "Computer, set the quickest, safest route to Henry Lawson, he's got a harem of perfect women who will undoubtedly be so grateful to me for saving them that I'll have my own perfect fantasy fulfilled. Oh, and also give me a map showing me where all Cerberus bases are so I can go bomb the fuck out of those thresher maw experimenting, squad murdering assholes."

72 hours later...

With Miranda 5 on her knees between his legs, about to show her appreciation, Shepard received word from Alliance Command. It showed a base belonging to some "Illusive Man" exploding near a fiery red giant in the Horsehead nebula. Shepard cut the screen off and looked at the long line of Miranda's still to...come.

"This one's for you, my dead squadmates."

Ashley, sent to pick Shepard up and debrief him shrugged as she turned to Liara. "Wow, and he's the paragon Shepard, too."

"By the Goddess..."

"Hello Shepard, I'm Miranda Lawson, I'm the one responsible for bringing you back to life. I also have a genetically perfect body with the exception of being unable to conceive children thereby making my clone-father's desires for a legacy and dynasty that would surpass all time a completely unachievable goal, not to mention, rather stupid. My tits are not plastic, though they are incredibly large, my ass is amazing, and despite my body's lithe waistline, I never have any problems standing erect because these skin tight beaver cleaving bodysuits reinforce my spine. That's why I wear these instead of actual armor in a firefight. Never mind that I just killed someone in front of you in cold blood, care to join me for a long ride in a shuttlecraft which we've already implied couldn't do much more than sputter around space at low-low-low speeds, otherwise the escape pods you saw in act 1 would've been able to actually propel themselves in space and pick you up, thereby making this entire scene unnecessary?"

Shepard looked her body over, and it was gorgeous, those lips, that hair, and her nipples clearly allowed to take point in the cold chill of the shuttlebay. "You're with Cerberus?"

"Yes, Shepard."

Shepard blew the woman away, putting a round in both her tits with a sneer. "Bitch, I can see the silicone pouring out!"

Shepard kicked the corpse out of her way and stormed the gangplank covered in the blood of the terrorists who murdered her squad and put her into mental rehab for 8 months with nightmares of thresher maws and acid fountains eating her flesh. "Computer! Give me a readout on all known Cerberus facilities! And call Urdnot Wrex, tell him Commander Shepard is alive and will trade the secret of the Genophage which she kept safe for just such a rainy day if he rallies all Krogan to help wipe out Cerberus."

72 hours later...

The Collector ship appeared orbit around the Cerberus base in the Horsehead Nebulae. It sent a single message as it attacked: It came for Shepard.

Shepard, pure red in the blood and gore of Cerberus dead wearing the Illusive Man's face as a mask over her helmet led the Krogan troops with promise of sex and children afterward, stormed the Collector ship. Sadly, the bee stings put many into stasis. Fortunately, many more were biotic, and they just charged over the bodies of their comrades, raided the ship with Shepard and ate their way through the pathetic puppet race. Then Ashley and the 5th fleet showed up and blew the Collector's ship back to hell. Shepard, after a long ride back to Alliance space gave the Krogan the genophage cure, declared herself the first Human Queen of Tuchanka and sat upon her stone throne in a thong cut panty of Varen leather, loincloth of thresher maw scale, and using the Illusive Man's skull, cleverly cut into two cups for her breasts. Those wacky Krogan were very good at taxidermy. And she kept Kaiden and Liara chained to her throne, wearing less than she was.


	6. Recruiting Arcangel

"Don't fuck with Aria."

Shepard sighed. This was never easy. "Look, Aria, is it? All I want to do is take away from your station someone who wants to put a bullet in your head. On top of that, I'm offering to do it free of charge. All you have to do is give me a location for a pick up and one of the angriest assassins in this entire world will no longer be your problem. What do you say? Smart enough to just tell the resurrected and revenge-fueled Revenant superhuman Spectre where this psychopath is that wants you dead, or do you want to keep arguing?"

Miranda smirked. "Statistically, it's not prudent to leave an assassin that wants you dead on your station."

Aria sighed. "All right, go get the bugger."

"Thank you."

As they left Miranda smiled at Shepard, as real a smile as someone as devious as her could ever manage. "I'm surprised, Shepard, you were polite after all that smoke she blew in your face."

"What can I say? I'm a nice guy."

72 minutes later...

"Joker, swing the Normandy around and we'll pick him up."

"What, Commander, you don't want to come up with some ridiculous plan like trying to sneak across an open bridge with no cover while a skilled sniper who has his back to the wall shoots everyone that crosses the bridge, a sniper, I might add, you're not allowed to kill because he's the person you're trying to recruit?"

Shepard cut his eyes at Joker with a grimace and Joker laughed. "I know, I know, just fly the ship. C'mon Commander, I know that's a stupid plan, it's just a joke."

"No shit."

They popped the door on the Normandy SR-2 and waved to the blue armored Turian. When that didn't work, Miranda reappeared, naked, with a hand written sign pushing up her breasts that read "Will cock your gun if you'll shoot for Commander Shepard."

Arcangel hurried over.

"I knew that would get your attention." Shepard said, extending his hand.

Garrus took off his helmet and smirked. "Human women are a huge turn off for me Shepard, but the chance to work with you again? How did the Spirits return you from the dark?"

"Garrus?! What're you doing on Omega?"

"Can someone close the damn door, it's … DRAFTY in here." Miranda hissed, still naked with the sign over her breasts, one hand on her crotch.

"Don't fuck with Aria."

Shepard sighed. This was never easy.

72 hours later...

Covered in the blood and feces of the dead, a howling demon detonated half of the rape and murder capitol of Terminus systems. With Omega splintering into a thousand fragments and Aria's head a trophy the red, blood slicked demon from the pitt mounted the steps to Arcangel's hideout.

"ARCANGEL!"

"Holy Spirits, Shepard, is that you?"

"Garrus?"

"Don't take this the wrong way Shepard, I've never wanted anything but a Turian woman until now. You killed every evil doer in Omega."

"I need help wiping out an ancient and mysterious race called the Collectors, they kidnapped or murdered 30,000 humans and the Council and the Alliance refused to help."

Looking at the wreckage that was once a pit of crime without punishment, Garrus smiled grimly. "To quote Ashley Williams, who was always quoting some other human: Cry Havoc, and let slip the dogs of war."

"That's Queen Bitch of War, Garrus. ...Get your things."

As Garrus stepped through the entryway Joker gave him a good rib, but he didn't really hear it, all he saw was the half naked form of a once beautiful human woman splattered with blood and gore, eyes wide, pupils pinpricks, rocking herself back and forth while curled up on the floor murmuring in stark terror 'Redrum'.

"Who's that, Shepard? Survivor of the Collector attacks?"

"No, that's Miranda, she's my XO, but she doesn't have the stomach for battle."

"There are Krogan who couldn't stomach YOUR idea of battle, Shepard."

"Good idea, Garrus, let's go get Wrex. He'll want in on this, too."


	7. Ashley - Horizon

"How could you do this? How could you betray the Alliance?!"

"Ashley!"

"I may be xenophobic because my family has been forced to live on our knees, being physically and politically abused even though my grandfather's surrendering saved the lives of THOUSANDS of colonials just like these people right here and I even tried to shoot Wrex but I didn't! I TRUSTED YOU and believed in you to make things right, not just for me but for everyone! Then you...

Ashley had tears in her eye, tears of pain from the perceived betrayal. "then you join the White Supremacists of Space, the group that murdered your own squad, just like mine was murdered by the Geth and you don't even … two years... YOU DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME YOU WERE ALIVE! I LOVED YOU!"

Before Shepard could react, Garrus used his Garrus interrupt power, because he's Garrus and apparently cool like that. "Ashley...30,000 people were just kidnapped off this colony by a ship that is leaving orbit. We have the only ship here, I'm an alien, I'm working with Shepard not Cerberus, Shepard's been in a COMA for two years, rescued by Cerberus and Liara, and while I appreciate you're emotionally broke to Spirits THE DAMN KIDNAPPERS ARE GETTING AWAY! Get your ass on board the Normandy, we're going after those buggy bastards!"

72 seconds later...

Ashley was finished grabbing her gear and running to meet the shuttle that would take her to join Shepard's battle against the Collectors. "Wow, Garrus, that...that was much better than me saying 'I didn't know I hurt you'."

"Spirits Shepard, if you had said that, she'd have been right to punch you in the face and go running back to Anderson." Garrus moaned, clutching his temples.


	8. Jack

"So, let me get this straight," Shepard sighed, her blue eyes filled with pain at the thought of the victim that stood before her.

"You're a survivor, rape victim, mass murderer who has gone on from your rape to bang every known race and probably contract Space Aids and your only solace in life is cutting yourself, getting tattoos, and murdering people. Most of which whom have never harmed you in anyway."

"Fuck yea."

"And I'm recruiting you for a suicide mission for which I have nothing to offer you, since you care only about yourself, and have no family I could help out, no friends I can get vital medical assistance to, no actual way to bribe you for the loyalty needed on a mission that will kill us all if any of us wavers even the slightest in our duty to the mission and to each other, and you hate 95% of the crew aboard this ship without question as well?"

"You could let me blow a building up, I'd trade my life for blowing up a single building with no one in it, yeah."

6 months and 72 hours later...

Javik looked Commander Shepard over. "Ah, so you are already familiar with throwing unwanted things out the airlock?"

"Very." Shepard said, her halo glowing brightly.

"I wonder what you would have done if you were a renegade."

"The same. That WAS the renegade option. The paragon option was to break her knife then space her. Not much creative difference, really."

"I see. Sounds lazy."

"I guess."


	9. Thane

"I do not kill people, my body does."

Shepard, his blue eyes turning red, hammered on the renegade interrupt button. "Zeig Heil, mein furher! I did only what I was ordered!"

The airlock door was shut moments later and Shepard growled as he passed Kelly Chambers. "THERE'S your dry environment, space nazi. Chambers!"

"Y-Yes, Commander?"

"Go tell the Illusive Man to fuck off, I'm picking my own squadmates for this mission, he's recruited nothing but sympathetic faces and fucking psychopaths!


	10. Samara

With Samara's steadily cooling corpse punctured with a dozen or so holes Shepard raised Kelly Chambers on the radio. "Chambers! I thought I said I'd get my OWN squadmates!"

"I-I-I'm sorry, C-Commander! Samara was a justicar, she fights for justice-"

"She's a religious zealot who murders people that offend her super secret holy CODE BOOK, Kelly! She'd kill ANYONE, ANYWHERE if they break any of her secret and unknowable laws and she thinks she has the right to do that to every single race across the entire galaxy since to her we're all part of the same ethereal Goddess and she is that Goddess' right hand of judgment!"

"I-I'm sorry, Commander, I'll find someone else!"

"For crying out LOUD, Chambers, next you'll tell me you found a GETH who wants to join!"

"You're making it DAMN HARD to stay PARAGON here!"


	11. Legion

"Ah, well, y'know, as we all know, and as has been scientifically proven, and backed up by Tali, our Geth expert here, a single Geth is nothing but a mindless animal with animal instincts, it must be matched up with others of its kind to have networked intelligence. It probably couldn't answer me why it has a piece of my armor as its repair."

"Or just how it got a hold of that armor since I was the one who personally retrieved your body with the armor intact," Feron said.

"Or how it found the Shadowbroker and managed a deal with the 'broker for a piece of your armor anyway." Liara added.

Shepard smirked, her red hair and red eyes ravishing Liara's body already. "I'm happy you're here, Liara, and I'm happy you brought me back to avenge the deaths of so many humans."

"Where else would I be but at my Commander's side? It'd just be silly of me to think I had to rescue Feron from the incalculable odds of the Shadow Broker's forces, as if I could trust any mercenary I hired to help me take down the most powerful shadow organization in existence. It'd be foolish to not take your help the moment you walked back into my life. Also, I didn't bring you back to avenge them, Shepard, they weren't even dead yet."

The Geth forgotten as it was packed away and shipped back to the Illusive Man as a bounty, Shepard pressed her body up against Liara with a hungry look on her face. "Well let's see if we can invent a good reason for bringing me back then...in my cabin."

Feron swallowed uncomfortably. "I'll just, uh, continue with my physical therapy-"

Renegade interrupt dragged him along to the elevator, too. "I'm about to get as physical as you need, Feron."


	12. Grunt

"Wait, you want me to take a psychotic MAD SCIENTIST Krogan Warlord along on a suicide mission? Didn't you see what I did with the last three psychotics you sent me to recruit?"

Shepard hung up on the Illusive Man and wished for the thousandth time SOMEONE on the Council would listen to Anderson and let him recruit GOOD people for this heroic charge of the Light Brigade. If only they would listen, Shepard would happily take the Normandy back to the Alliance and officially tell Cerberus to go back to guarding the gates of hell. What kind of a name was that for a human interest protecting group, anyway? Cerberus was the watchdog for hell, that's like implying Humanity is from hell, which, by the way, TOTALLY makes Humanity sound like nothing the galaxy should have anything to do with anyway. Oh well, Wrex may not be able to leave Tuchanka, but he could definitely get Shepard a good and loyal recruit, and one already trained and tested in battle.


	13. Miranda's Loyalty mission

"Niket!" Miranda raised her gun to shot her one time friend, the only person in the entire world she trusted.

"WAIT!"

"Shepard, you're not going to use a paragon interrupt here and stop me from shooting Niket, are you?" Miranda gasped in dismay.

"Nope, I'm calling time out on this one. I mean, c'mon Miranda, there's Paragon, There's Renegade, and there's just STUPID."

Shepard stepped up to Niket and threw his arm around him, good buddy style. "Nicket, come over here for a moment, now explain to me why you're upset at Miranda."

"Because she used a lie of omission, she manipulated me into kidnapping an infant just so she could spite her father, and now I'm responsible for the baby growing up in poverty and a broken home."

Shepard nodded his head while listening. "I see, I see, and so you are rightfully angry at Miranda for not telling you the whole truth and making you a baby-napper."

"Shepard?! I couldn't tell him Ori was just an infant, he would never have helped!"

"See! She admits to manipulating me!"

"Say you're sorry for manipulating him, Miranda."

"What? I'm not sorry! Ori would have lived my horrible life! She's identical to me Shepard, she'd HATE it just as I do! I wouldn't let another suffer my same existence!"

Shepard rolled his eyes. "Miranda...if you're dad is that rich, and that much of a self-absorbed asshat who wants this permanent legacy, what makes you think there's isn't like I don't know, five MORE of you already out there? You think he'd stop just because one got away and took the other? Shit, Niket, here is your friend because you know he's an honest man, and now, you want to leave your dishonest and wacko father running around the galaxy making clone armies of sexy girls that are submissive to his every whim while you murder the honest man? Are you SURE he UPPED your IQ, and not lowered it?"

Miranda stumbled over her thoughts, looking at the ground, lowering her gun. "I...I...I don't know what to say, Shepard."

"And Niket," Shepard continued, walking Nicket back over to stand in front of Captain Enyala, leader of the mercenaries.

"You are mad because Miranda didn't take Ori's personal choices into consideration, Ori's desires and wants...tell me, did you ever TALK to Oriana? Ask her what her life is like, ask her if she wants to trade the loving, happy family she has now (by the way, she's not poor and attends private schools and is a concert level musician) for being a submissive-baby-making slave to this nutjob that took his own DNA, gave it tits, and said "Serve me bitch, I'm your daddy?"'"

"I-I didn't...talk to her. N-Now that you put it that way I'm making the same mistakes from that night all over again."

Shepard stepped back next to Miranda, re-positioning her gun arm and smiled. "See? Now that we got all that explained, let's get back to basics. Time in!"

Captain Enyala shot Niket is the back and he gasped, falling to his knees to stare at Miranda. "No...shot in the back as I had a moment of clarity by the mercenary your father hired to help me ensure the safe arrival of Oriana no matter what the cost! If only I had suspected she would kill me to ensure her ridiculously large payment..."

Miranda shrieked in a rage, blasting Enyala with a biotic throw instead of her gun. Liara watched Shepard set his omni-tool and stand back, the Asari merc and genetically engineered human woman rolling on the ground, hair-tentacle-pulling.

"Shepard, shouldn't we...help Miranda?" Liara whispered.

"I'm a renegade, babe, I'm recording this for Joker, then we'll sell the vids on the extranet. Besides, as an engineer I've already overloaded their weapons, it's fisticuffs and biotics only, wait, hang on..."

Shepard grabbed up a a squirt bottle of machine oil for the many gears, pistons, and machinery in the shipping yard and squirted it over both females. "And now oil. This will make enough money to buy that new omni-tool upgrade I wanted."


	14. The Collector's Ship

Shepard's red hair was practically a-fire. "That son of a bitch set us up! Walked us right into enemy hands!"

"I'm sure he had a valid reason, Shepard, I mean, look at my ass! He wouldn't just send ME to die, he wants what I give him!" Miranda retorted.

Shepard bitch slapped Miranda, once, twice, three times. "Did THAT get through your bubble butt haze, bitch? The Illusive Man FAKED A FUCKING SIGNAL to lure US, not the Collectors, US, into a battle we are NOT ready for! To get INTEL? Are you KIDDING ME? He has an army at his disposal, not to mention countless mech's AND mercs he could've hired for this! God, you're right, you don't have any silicone in your tits, it's all between your EARS!"

"Oh, shit, you're right! How stupid could I have been not to realize he has already got his own set of Miranda clones! Illusive...I-I loved you!"

With Miranda sobbing her heart out, down on her knees, face buried in her hands, Shepard, the smallest breasts in the room now that Ashley had... "filled out" her new uniform that came with promotion picked up not one of the super weapons left laying around on the floor, strangely, from multiple races, including Geth, which makes no sense at all because the Collectors are not working with the Geth, nor would they pick up Geth to make a human reaper hybrid ship but whatever, and passed the weapons out, including to James Vega, a human who had been discovered to be working with Liara's one time student (even though Liara was hardly more than a young woman herself and laughed out of every scholastic institution for her age and ludicrous Prothean theories so HOW she became a teacher somewhere is beyond me) AND had been the victim of Collector attack and was the only survivor with any intel on the Collectors so Shepard had recruited him IMMEDIATELY upon the Illusive Man's discovery of his existence.

"Vega, hold this shit, Liara, get a stasis bubble on Miranda so we can get her back to the ship, Ashley, grab a Revenant and let's go kick someone's ass!"

"You got it, Lola."

"Absolutely, Commander."

"Why do you think the Commander keeps her around, anyway? She's obviously not very perceptive." Liara whispered to Ashley.

"Sometimes I think Shepard is a man in a woman's body, as soon as he can figure out how to get a four-way between you, me, and her, we're all going to be roped up to that Captain's bed." Ashley growled.


	15. Everyone getting on one shuttle

"Hahahahahah! Are you KIDDING me? That shuttle can only seat SIX if they are all skinny, and with the size of THIS Krogran's ass and Miranda's even WIDER ass, that cuts us down to FOUR! We'd need like...TWO shuttles, at least! To say nothing of how dumb that sounds anywa-"

"Two shuttles it is, c'mon everyone!" Miranda interrupted Shepard and everyone trundled off to the shuttles leaving Shepard to look around himself muttering.

"Stupid plan."


	16. Joker not dying

Joker not dying at the sudden acceleration of the Normandy that slammed his glass-like skull into unforgiving ceramic/metals during the Collector attack on the Normandy

"Holy shit, Joker's dead!" Shepard gasped.


	17. The Illusive man wants the Collector Bas

The Illusive man wants the Collector Base for himself...for... "experiments to benefit mankind"

"Hahahahahah! Are you kidding me? To get here you have to be a Collector, a REAPER, or the Normandy, and since there is no way I'm going to trust the SOB who set us all up with a bad crew of disloyal space nazi lunatic murderers AND then walked us into not one but TWO traps with no support, you're out of your goddamn mind, Husk-eyes! Ashley, get your xenophobic ass up here and blow this thing to hell for me, baby."

"What about the proto-reaper Shepard?"

"That thing made of human materials because silicone and carbon are TOTALLY the sturdiest elements in existence? Note my sarcasm there? We blow it up!"

"Yeah, it looks so weird and parasite-like, but I mean, what if it was...made to look human?"

"Ashley, don't be STUPID. Why in the hell would the Reapers want a Reaper to look like the race it was made from, THEN try to cram THAT form inside a giant parasite cuttlefish ship body? That'd be like, engineering stupidity. I mean, that's something only Miranda or some idiotic 21st century video game publisher would come up with."

"Yeah, guess your right, skipper, glad my gun fires unlimited times with just a short cool down, there were so many Collectors in here I'd have run out of regular ammunition and had to scavenge rounds from a 50,000 year old race that wouldn't have spare useable clips around that perfectly fit our modern day weapons. Now I can properly bomb this place to hell."

"Ashley, I'm going to send you for psyche eval, you keep talking crazy."


	18. Shepard being ignoredagain

"So, Commander, we're very happy you brought us back all this hyper-advanced technology that can be carbon dated to millions of years before the Geth, especially this Reaper IFF which fortunately doesn't seem to give off any "Indoctrination" waves you speak of, as well as all these recordings and the living DNA proof that Collectors are now extinct Protheans whose DNA was mutated over years by a superior force of something that is undoubtedly these Reapers you speak of. Since we now have access to Prothean DNA we can turn the bodies over to the Asari who will use them to activate an ancient beacon they've kept in storage that will have all this information and more, proving your accounts to be accurate and that we have to prepare for a galactic invasion. As thanks for bringing this to the Council's attention we want you to go to prison, but you haven't really committed a crime yet, so we'll blame the destruction of the Batarian's on you, all of whom are undoubtedly indoctrinated since they have an entire Reaper ship on their home world and that is proven to still give off indoctrination waves since "Sleeping gods still dream" meaning the entire Batarian race is suspect, and we'll put you in protective custody with the Alliance where your closest and most faithful friends will never call or talk to you or send you letters. As for the Reapers, we have dismissed that theory."

Shepard's blue eyes exploded with the force of a thousand super nova's. "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!"

"Take her away, COMMANDER Williams, the Normandy is now your ship, even though I'm Turian and have no authority over an Alliance ship, wait, it's not Alliance, it's Cerberus, who are criminals against the Galactic Council, so it IS mine now, and I'll be taking it apart to see how it works, here's an old garbage barge, that's your new Spectre ship."

Ashley jammed her rifle into Shepard's back, Shepard whirling around with her eyes bathing Ashley in hellish red light "ASHLEY!"

"What? I get promoted, made a Spectre, AND they're going to give me my own ship. You know each time I get a promotion my hair gets longer, my makeup gets better, and my tits swell up like melons. This is good for me."

Shepard stopped for a moment and thought about it. "Well, you're right, but c'mon Ash, you're worth more than a Garbage scowl."

"Yeah, you're right! Hey, Turian! I want more than a garbage ship!"

"Okay, final offer, a junker. Old, worthless, human destroyer with no weapons and a crappy FTL drive."

"I'll take it!"

72 hours later...

Shepard hung upside down in an Alliance dungeon, something left over from Attila the Hun or some other ancient lord, chained to the walls, eyes stick pinned open and forced to look at pictures of Miranda's ass teaching her how to read Asari. It wasn't so bad, she wasn't under arrest or anything, just relieved of duty pending investigation. Of course, none of her friends talked to her, and she was kept under armed guard day and night in the OTHER main bureaucratic building of the Alliance, cause putting her on the Alliance Headquarters at Arcturus station, a station easily destroyed in a surprise, unexpected Reaper invasion would just be dumb.


	19. Dr Eva Sex-bot killing Shepard at all

"Kill Shepard, Eva."

Kai Leng spoke up. "Hey, wait! You said I was to face Shepard!"

"No, I don't want you to kill Shepard, Shepard may still come to our side, and in the meantime, Shepard may keep the Reapers busy. Especially since she is known personally to them and they got an axe to grind with her." TIM responded.

"But then why is Eva killing Shepard?"

"Because EVA will LOSE to Shepard, despite being bullet proof to small caliber arms fire and that is Shepard's only weapon at this moment, she will then be taken over by EDI, EVA's true enemy, and the one I want revenge on, giving EDI a body to further use against me, and slap me in the face by taking more millions of credits of research and development away from me, and removing the perfect assassination partner from you and giving it to Shepard to help thwart my base of operation's security counter-measures and kill you in a battle to the death while I, in my ego-maniacal way attempt to take control of all life in the galaxy as the new Cyber-God of the Reapers, why, don't you trust me?"

"You...really think two steps ahead, sir."


	20. The Council picking up their toys and go

The Council picking up their toys and going home instead of uniting to fight the Reapers

"Wait, now that you know a hyper advanced machine race is here, AND it's kicking the spirits-loving-shit out of the Turian fleets, none of you wants to send a fleet of warships to unite and take down Reapers OR get fleets ready for immediate evacuation except to the ONE place in the galaxy the Reapers WANT to take over, the ONE place in the galaxy that the Reaper's THEMSELVES created and therefor know better than we, ourselves, do? The Citadel?"

"Yes, Commander. Why, don't you trust our judgment?"

Shepard died, sadly, from massive brain implosion and the galaxy was lost to the Reaper invasion.


	21. Garrus shooting Ashley

"Shepard, you were REBUILT by Cerberus, and we know they were using Reaper tech! That means you-you might even BE a reaper!"

"Holy Shit Ashley, Come On!"

"No, it's entirely plausible, Commander, the Illusive Man isn't someone who likes not being in control, the idiotic idea of him resurrecting you, giving you a quintillion dollar warship only to have you flip him the bird and take all that money and hand it over to the Alliance and the Galactic Citadel of Aliens that the Illusive Man wants subjugated beneath him all without a single "Control Shep" ending, I mean, plan? That's unbelievable Shepard, I'm sorry." Kaiden replied.

Garrus sighed and put his gun away. "Look I know we're in the middle of all this-"

"You might be indoctrinated, too, Garrus, no one knows what went on while you were up there calibrating all that time alone with a Reaper IFF just beneath you-"

"I was jacking off to a Fornax subscription. Shepard wasn't giving me any play and Tali...she's cute but I don't think she likes me."

"Okay, that's just...gross." Kaiden winced.

"It doesn't matter Garrus! You're all indoctrinated! Hell, I must be indoctrinated, too! I joined you on Horizon after that little pep talk you gave me!" Ashley screamed.

"Wait, hold up, so everyone who went with Shepard to kill the Collectors can't be trusted, right?" Vega asked.

"Yes, exactly."

"Okay, well, I wasn't with you guys then, despite the fact that I was aching to kill Collectors, right? So..."

"No! In the re-write we brought you along with us, remember? You're indoctrinated, too!" Ashley was completely deranged by now, the meds from the hospital and probably Udina putting her totally off kilter.

"ooo-kay...how about this then, I have Bailey on my omni-tool, commander Bailey, who is NOT indoctrinated. I also have this neat little device with me that records my conversations for playback on mission logs, where I rescue the Salarian councilor who confirms Udina is suspected of treason, and the killer, this bozo with a sword stabs Thane, who stupidly runs at a guy with a melee weapon instead of just the four of us gunning his ass down from a distance." Shepard offered.

"Uh...that...could be faked." Kaiden shrugged.

"And a voice-changer is old hat tech, Shepard, my great-great-grandaddy used one in a Home Alone movie."

Shepard winced. "Yeah, your right. Okay, well, how about this then? You're holding a gun on Garrus, Vega, and Me, your loving, happy, heroic savior of space and time as Spectre's which neither of you qualify for since you both have major failures in your records and the only accomplishments you have to speak of are actually MY accomplishments when I took you along for the ride. ALSO not to rub it in but Kaidan, you're a bleeding heart over the wrong's you've committed and are looking for a place to die and Ashley, you're a xenophobic paranoid with a history of being abused and channeling that into an immense amount of rage that sullies your judgment. There is no way in hell you two should be Spectres since you can't think clearly, especially right after having your brains scrambled like eggs and shot up with brain-numbing painkillers at UDINA'S command. The same guy who has been bending us over a table Thorien-style since Mass Effect 1. You know, UDINA, the guy behind you who resembles SATAN."

"Oh shit, you're right-" Ashley said.

"When you put it like that," Kaiden nodded

Both turned around and emptied their clips into Udina's head and chest. Shepard breathed a huge sigh of relief and looked at Garrus.

"I'm so glad we talked that out, I thought for a moment you were going to take the shot."

"Wouldn't have been a problem Shepard, remember, I'm a Turian MARKSMAN, a TURIAN marksman. I can hit the left side of a bug's ass from 2000 yards with a rubber band by candlelight. I'dve just hit them in the leg, causing them to drop, removed their guns while you shot Udina, end of story. What, you think I'd actually murder two fellow soldiers, friends, heroes of the Citadel who are messed up from brain damage and painkillers and being manipulated by that bastard Udina into being living, breathing bodyshields? Come on, Shepard, this is me we're talking about, the guy who is all about loyalty to friends and squadmates."

"I'm starting to sound like Miranda."

"Maybe you got hit in the head on last mission, thought I heard your helmet crack, want me to calibrate it for you?"

"Not with those hands buddy, I know how you calibrate now."


	22. Javik

"That's so weird, we've never met any race that could communicate by touch, except Asari who have orgasmically mind blowing mind sex, and Rachni, which have short range telepathy with dying members of any species, and even the Elcor, who, while not true telepaths, can fart out pheremones that are a language all their own."

"Yes, we use it as a form of communication. It allows us to quickly pass on skills and knowledge to others."

"Wait...pass on skills? Like Training?"

"Yes, Commander, our people were a race of hunters."

"So you could pass on hunting and killing skills, soldier skills, to anyone you wanted by touching them?"

"They would have to be willing, Commander."

"So we could teach anyone, even idiots like Conrad Verner how to fight with the ferocity and skills of a hardened Prothean warrior? Doubling or tripling the amount of ass kicking soldier's we could field, as well as make it impossible for someone like, say, Cerberus to attack and take over the Citadel since there would be no need to train a militia because everyone on the Citadel would BE the Militia?"

"Well, yes, Commander but they would have to be willing."

72 hours later...

On the Presidium a neon sign over Javik's head advertised his presence to all. The sign read "Real Live Master Race of the last cycle, Javik the Prothean". Next to him a naked Miranda with a hand painted sign boosting up her bosom stood, quite annoyed. Her sign read "Touch the Prothean and learn how to touch me".

72 hours and 72 minutes later...

"You big, stupid jellyfish! You want to help the Reapers because the Collectors were once Protheans and were helping the Reapers?"

"Yes, this one must serve the Enkindlers."

"Well, I got someone whose going to ENKINDLE something for you! JAVIK!"

72 seconds later...

The Hanar homeworld was safe, the two Spectre's shook hands, and somewhere in the distance, an airlock closed as a pink popscicle floated away in space, its last thoughts of being Enkindled in its own special way.


	23. Re-Meeting Jack

"I told you not to trust Cerberus!"

"Didn't I toss you out the air lock in the re-write?"

"Yeah, but the scene is still important to Mass Effect 3, y'know?"

"So punching me in the face when I didn't trust Cerberus and stole all their shit, helping you blow up a building and then flipped the Illusive Man the bird as I took away his only key to the Omega-4 relay, that being the Reaper IFF on my ship, preventing him from ever reaching the center of the galaxy while accusing me of trusting Cerberus is an important scene?"

"Well, yeah, Shep, how else could I call you queen of the girl scouts?"

"You're aware I have like, my paragon wings, but I knock the piss out of reporters, shoot exploding gas lines that burn Krogan to death, and liberally Renegade my way through Cerberus and other annoying parasites all the time, right?"

"Well, yeah, but you're still a girl scout."

"I'm also an honorary Krogan of the Urdnat clan."

"Yeah, so? You gonna head butt me or what?"

Shepard slammed her boot into Jack's cooch, dropping the dumb bitch. "Love, ain't THAT a kick in the quad."

Liara and Ashley both winced and covered themselves and Ashley whispered with worry thick in her voice. "You ARE Paragon Shep, aren't you?"

With a toss of her red hair Shepard smiled at Ashley warmly. "Of course I am. Doesn't mean I tolerate an aggro-bitch rolling up to me and punching me in the face for no reason. I -am- the bad ass, numero uno Spectre around here, right?"

"R-Rig-ht." Jack gasped before passing out.


	24. Wrex and the Genophage cure

"I'm sorry Shepard, I know I owe you a lot, and I know the Reapers will commit galactic genocide, but I'm not sending even one Krogan out, not even to Earth, until I get the cure for the Genophage."

"But uh..." Shepard leaned over to whisper quietly to Wrex.

"Didn't we both agree to keep the Genophage cure secret and you'd only give it to a few Krogan after we snagged some and duplicated it before handing it over to the Council?"

"Well, d'uh Shepard, why do you think in ME 2 I had 'fertile' females at Clan Urdnat? It wouldn't make any sense that those females were 'fertile' since our entire race received the Genophage, and the Genophage doesn't make us infertile, it just makes only 1 out of 1000 or so live births a healthy Krogan child capable of existing outside its mother which means ALL Krogan females are fertile, just their babies come out wrong 99.99% of the time."

Shepard scratched his head. "Uh...okay, wait, so you have the cure, have given it out, and now you are demanding I give you the cure or you'll let my planet die, even though I gave you the cure in that re-written scene from ME 1?"

"Shepard, Shepard, Shepard, you need to wake up and smell the big picture. If I don't DEMAND the cure NOW, they wont give it to me. And when they find out I already HAVE it, they'll know who GAVE it to me, without their consent. Then they'll blame the resurgence of the Krogan people on you, and even if they still save Earth, they'll strip you of your Spectre title and lock you in some dark hole upside down, chained to a wall, staring at baby books showing pictures of Miranda's ass or something. The Council...what a kick in the quad."

"So, you're refusing to save Earth all for me?"

"I love you like a brother."

"This doesn't sound right somehow."

"You're right, I love you more than my brother."

72 hours later...

Wreav's all terrain Tuchankan vehicle was consumed by Calross and Mordin yipped out an alarm. "Perhaps we should go back to save him?"

Wrex shrugged. "He was a pain in the ass anyway."


	25. Mordin's death

"Mordin...I don't want you to die..." Shepard teared up, her Paragon blue eyes watering.

"Had to be me, someone else would've gotten it wrong." he smiled and said goodbye, the elevator door closing.

72 broken heart beats later...

Shepard screamed somewhere inside as the top of the Shroud exploded. The cure was passed out into the atmosphere, it would soon cover the land in the blessing of Mordin Solus. She turned away and soon found herself back with Wrex and 'Eve'.

"Shepard...where is Mordin?"

"He...was in the Shroud."

"Correct, memory still intact, should not let gloom and doom appear."

Shepard looked up where the voice came from, the voice of Mordin Solus that came from heaven itself and saw...

"MORDIN!"

Mordin turned off his mass effect eezo core paraglide pack(kinda like the ones in TRON Legacy, y'know?) and settled down amidst the group. "BASE jumping, not taught to many Salarians, took time to learn it on way to Shroud facility, not born yesterday, suspected Salarian STG sabotage of facility all along. STG even left a bomb to destroy Shroud facility if cure ever attempted, very sneaky. That's why it had to be me, someone else might not have learned BASE jumping in time."

"Come Shepard, much to do, Reaper's still a threat, seashells can wait."


	26. Miranda not trusting you with her sister

Miranda not trusting you with her sister after you earned her trust by saving her sister

"I'm sorry Shepard, this is important...my sister has disappeared and I think my father's involved. Also, the Illusive Man has agents hunting me and trying to kill me."

"Wait, you're sister, Oriana, or Miranda #5?"

"Oriana, Shepard, try to keep your mind above your genitals."

"I'm Femshep this play through and with Jacob."

"Who? Oh, right, uh...have you...spoken with him recently, Shepard?"

"No, I wasn't allowed any contact from ex-Cerberus while in custody. Why?"

Miranda looked away. "Uh, no reason, you'll want to contact him soon, I think, before nine months passes, anyway, but listen, uh, so yeah, I have to keep moving or my father will find me before I find Ori."

"Wait, you said TIM was looking for you-"

"TIM hired my dad by promising to help him get Ori if my dad helped him get me."

"That sounds like one huge gang bang clusterfuck of logic there, Miranda."

"What do you mean?"

"You want to hunt down your father who is hunting you and your sister, without help, without back up, and you want me to give you unlimited access to classified Alliance intel when, by the way, you COULD be back working for TIM if he has your sister and is blackmailing you, because you might just think you're smart enough to work a triple cross, keeping the Alliance safe from Cerberus while getting your sister to one time safety because TIM and your dad would most certainly RE-TRACK her down AGAIN, and put ANOTHER boot up your ass to get her back, all the while, I'm standing here, RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF YOU, the living embodiment of disloyalty to Cerberus and the sworn enemy of TIM and the Reapers, and instead of joining me on my ALLIANCE ship with my hand picked crew that are most definitely NOT Cerberus since none of them were ever actually ASSIGNED to the Normandy but were strays we picked up when I hauled ass out of the Sol system, and you don't ask to join me on the safe and sound Normandy to help track your father with Liara, whom you already know is the Shadow Broker, and you already witnessed me having this conversation with HER in the LotSB DLC last time?"

Miranda's head was still spinning so Shepard used shorter words. "I -hate- The Illusive Man, and am the only person you can trust, and you need a fucking army to fight Cerberus so obviously you should be getting your panties out of your crotch, and moving back aboard the Normandy where the Shadow Broker can track down your sister and my crack squad of ass kickers can help you get her back."

"Right, that was what … I mean, what was I thinking before?"

"You were thinking you needed to have liposuction to get the collagen out from between your ears."

"But then my butt wouldn't be as round."

Shepard sighed and shook her head. "Just get on board."


	27. Kelly Chambers

Shepard drew her gun, Paragon-ness be damned, and leveled it at Kelly Chambers. "I don't CARE if you're having nightmares! Get your ass back on board my ship! I'm not paying 25,000 credits to have an automated system feed my fish! You'll do it for free!"

"Oh, and Miranda needs someone dumber than her on board, both Liara and Ashley have already threatened to tag-team her if she tries to push them around again."

"R-Right away, Shepard!"


	28. Gayness KaidanSteve Cortez

Femshep scowled at Steve. "Wait, I helped you get over your grief, allowed you to keep flying despite the fact that you're an emotional wreck who sobs his way through life at night instead of sleeping, and then stood with you and shared an emotional moment discussing ships and engines that keep struggling on and you wont turn STRAIGHT for a little Shepa-Shepa-burning love machine?"

"I'm sorry, Shepard, but Gay people need representation, too."

"But KAIDAN went gay for Male Shep!"

"Yeah, but everyone already saw that coming. And you can still have him swing your way if you romance him, Femshep."

She was outraged, from her red hair down to her non-colored toenails. "But ASHLEY wont go GAY for me!"

"Samantha Traynor wont go straight for Male Shep."

"I have no history with Samantha!"

"Or me."

"Your logic sounds reasonable, but I still have less love interests than Male Shep, and at least one of mine DIES."

"But he dies like a boss."

"He had a GUN and charges a guy with a sword. That's not boss, that's STUPID."

"Well, be that as it may, I'll always be gay...for you. Or to you. Either way. I'm still gay."

She shot him in the foot. "Only Ashley get's to spout poetry to me, dumbass, and with your foot injured you can't fly anymore, you're on medical leave of absence."

"EDI!"

"Yes, Shepard?"

"You can automatically pilot shuttles anyway, can't you?"

"Yes, Shepard."

"Good. You're my new shuttle pilot."


	29. Primarch Victus' kid

"Wait, You're the Primarch's son, and now your failure here and the blood of your men on your hands could cause not only trouble with the Krogan but also for the Primach, meaning no galactic alliance and the Reaper's kill all life in the galaxy that stand above four feet tall on the "You must be this technologically advanced to ride the Reaper Ride" sign?"

"I'm... not really sure what that means, Shepard but yes, it is my fault we crashed."

Shepard scratched his stubble. "Hold up, you're the pilot?"

"No."

"You're the navigator?"

"No. I'm in charge, it was my decision to fly this direction."

Shepard rested his sniper rifle barrel first on the ground. "Wait...just wait a second. Why did you choose this direction?"

"Well, if we went the other way, the enemy would have seen us, so I decided to go through here since it would provide us sight cover."

"So, your top secret, all important mission which included complete deniability AND secrecy necessitating silence and undetection is going to fail because YOU made the "wrong" choice to sneak in the backdoor rather than kick in the front door, announcing to the Krogan, the Reapers, and Cerberus that you were on planet, and then letting them watch as you disarmed a giant deathbomb?"

The Primarch's son cried at the recounting of his failing. "Yes."

Shepard looked all around for a moment, including at Liara, who shrugged. "But it's not your pilot or your navigator's fault for failing to mention that this specific path left you no where to dodge anti-aircraft fire?"

"How do you know so much about AA guns, Shepard?"

"Nevermind, suck it up, you're not at fault, your pilot and navigator are trying to put the blame on you, now let's go defuse that bomb."


	30. Jacob

"Cortez, pick us up, there's no one left alive down here."

Cortez tried to be reassuring. "I'm sorry you got there too late to save them, Shepard, if only they had contacted us about the situation things might've been different."

"Yeah, if only they had contacted me earlier..." Shepard's once blue eyes blazed with fury as she aimed her shotgun at Jacob and his new "bride".


	31. Cerberus knowing everything while the

"So how did Cerberus find out about a 2,000 year old Asari treasure vault hidden inside a giant goddess statue when Cerberus hates aliens, everyone knows that, and no self-respecting alien would ever help Cerberus personnel open a door, let alone hand over the greatest kept secret in the galaxy?"

Liara shook her head sadly. "I have no idea Shepard, considering only the highest level matriarchs of my planet know about this, and my race is touch-telepathic so no one could believably lie or get away with selling such secrets as they would be detected immediately, I can only suggest it is required as a plot twist."

"What a load of crap, Liara." Shepard replied.


	32. Sanctuary

Shepard sighed, he was getting too old for this shit. Garrus shrugged his shoulders and Kaidan finished hacking the lock.

"I mean it, does ANYBODY have a clue as to why Cerberus is using a secret facility on Horizon to not-so-secretly summon hundreds of thousands of refugees to their doom, publicly calling this a secret facility on wide broadcast cable networks and the extranet? Any clue at all?"

"You mean why anyone with half a brain would touch down at a facility of a hundred people and not realize there's shuttles and ships outside to account for a hundred thousand but there are no bodies, no homes, no nothing?" Garrus asked.

"Or the fact that the Reapers monitor extranet traffic and so, undoubtedly know about Sanctuary?" Kaiden continued.

"I shoot the first one of you that says Plot Twist, I swear it." Shepard scowled.


	33. Tali and Legion

"Shouldn't we have come before Sanctuary, Shepard?"

"Yes, Shepard-Commander, technically this mission takes place prior to priority Thessia."

"Would you two stop harassing me, you know how much I let Tali get away with, first stealing the Normandy's spec's so her people could use restricted Turian/Alliance technology to build new, faster, more deadly ships to attack your people, Legion, then that whole convincing me to bring a young girl along on a deadly game of cat and mouse with creatures and aliens and ships of far bigger payout, load, and vehicle class disparity enough to compare a newborn baby with a boxing heavyweight and bill it as a prize fight? Especially when that young girl can't eat any of the food on board my ship except for the Turian food which she has to run through a hundred filters first, and if she get's a single scratch she could die?"

"Right, Sorry."

"Apologies, Shepard-Commander."

"So, anyway, Tali, I need your fleet made up of ships with stolen technology from me to help re-take Earth, saving the Galaxy from the Reapers, y'know, that evil race and only you and Garrus have stuck by me to fight since Day 1?"

"I'm sorry Shepard, my appointment as an Admiral is all just for show and politics, I don't have any real power, you have to help us re-take our planet from the Geth, first. You know -I'm- your favorite dance partner, sorry, Legion."

"Shepard-Commander, if you will help the Geth we will use OUR ships and OUR soldiers who are better than the Quarians every day of the week to help you re-take Earth, and go to the Prom. Sorry, Creator Zorah."

"Legion, you bitch!" Tali yelped.

Shepard groaned and held Tali back. "Legion, didn't your people help Sovereign in the first Mass Effect?"

"There was a question of consensus where one part of Geth believed one plus one equaled three, because of the Old Machine's tampering with our code."

"You were hacked?"

"...yes."

"And didn't your people help the Collector's and Reapers in ME 2 by attempting to use a virus to overwrite the other half of your race to effectively BRAINWASH them into helping the Reapers?"

"We were hacked."

"And now, in ME3, your people ran right back to the Reapers, whom you know hate you and will destroy you when they are done harvesting the galaxy, and immediately sell yourselves into slavery to the Reapers?"

"The Reaper's gave us new code."

"You were hacked?"

"...possibly?"

"And after repeatedly lying to me you want to upload MORE Reaper code to the rest of the Geth, after you were kept in close communication with the Reapers and were, in fact, used to broadcast this Reaper code out to all Geth making them slaves to the Reapers?"

"Shepard-Commander, we fail to see a point here."

"He's saying, you loose legged Bosh'tet, you've whored your race and yourself out to the Reapers time and again, and are now trying to commit genocide on my people!" Tali snarled.

"Shepard-Commander, we must protest this name, we did not do any of these things for money, it was all for free."

"Legion, when you were on board did you analyze the brainwaves of any members of the Normandy's crew?"

"Yes, for the purpose of emulation and easier integration by the Normandy."

"Did you emulate MIRANDA'S brainwave patterns?"

"Affirmitive."

"Stupid Cheerleader Bosh'tet." Tali swore.

Shepard sighed. "Quick question, Legion, since you are digital in nature, and not physical, you don't eat, or breath or drink water, why did the Geth stay on Rannoch for 300 years instead of getting the hell out on your vast quantities of starships to go live somewhere in peace, like, say, a space station in the middle of darkspace like we saw the Geth on in ME2, thereby allowing your friend Tali'Zorah to lead her people back to her homeworld and that without bloodshed or the loss of a single Geth program/platform?"

"Processing, building consensus."

"How much longer?"

"We have reached a consensus. It is because we are assholes."

"Right."

"It is also because we seek to prove we have the right to existence alongside Organics."

"To prove you can live alongside Organics you keep them from living with you?"

"Affirmative."

"And if you upload this code to your people they will all become free of the Geth consensus, being their own programs, and, in reality, telepathic separate platforms that can communicate with each other via extranet linking like telepathy. All because of Reaper code which was previously used to hack them and make them fight against Organics?"

"Yes."

"But you can't upload the code because the file is too large?"

"Affirmative."

"But you CAN upload the code if you increase the file size and bandwidth consumption by uploading all 1,300 Geth programs that make you, you, and scattering these programs to the four winds which, for some reason, will kill you, instead of simply uploading a copy of these programs, while leaving the same program inside the Geth platform you're currently inhabiting?"

"We cannot be Robo-Jesus any other way, Shepard-Commander."

"And while you're uploading this code, this MESSAGE to the Geth, you can't tell them to back away from the Quarian fleet and rendezvous somewhere outside the Quarian's line of fire because that much extra bandwidth would break the transmission?"

"Affirmative."

Shepard shot Legion repeatedly. "There's only room for one Miranda on my ship, and the current one has nicer tits, and 5 clones waiting in the wings."


	34. The Beam

"Joker! I need an emergency evac, now!"

The Normandy soared majestically over head, showing its name and true colors to Harbinger, who hated the Normandy's commander. Joker made sure to hover some twenty feet away from the critically wounded squadmates, making sure Shepard was still in the running game and keeping in practice for when she would run all the rest of the way to the beam. Politely, Harbinger checked his fire so as to not hurt anyone who was making an evac, allowing for one last tearful fairwell.

"Go, Joker, get them out of-wait a minute! HTF are you in London so fast?"

"Oh, well, y'know, I thought you might need some assistance, and since Harbinger and his buddies were breaking off from the blockade in space to come down to the beam I decided to come down and join the party."

"Wait, you've been hovering over head all this time?"

"Yeah, basically."

"And you didn't think to offer any of us a RIDE to the damn BEAM? Send a shuttle, a Shetland Fucking Pony?!"

"Uh...what's that Commander? You're breaking up! Must-be-Harbinger! Gotta go!"

"You're so FIRED Moroe!" Shepard shouted at the quickly retreating Normandy.


End file.
